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The White Dragon and Dave "D-Dubs" Wadsworth review all the
latest movies from Blockbuster hits to bottom of the barrel
XXX porn. Honest reviews from two guys whose opinions can't
be bought by Hollywood studios… unless they contact us here
at www.evenrude.com. |
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This
week’s Double D review is on “Lara Croft’s Tomb Raider” starring
Angelina Jolie as the gun toting video game goddess, Lara
Croft. For some reason, Hollywood continues to insist on banging
out scripts based on home video games, and the sick truth
is that these movies make enough cash to perpetuate the crime.
“Tombraider” is a slickly filmed, yet half-assed, female “Indiana
Jones” rip-off. Lara, a millionaire archeologist, finds a
clock hidden in her stairwell by her late father. Angelina’s
real father, John Voight, practically phones in his role as
Lara’s dead dad through a series of sappy flashbacks. Insert
“love me daddy” motivation here.
The clock Lara’s dad left behind hides a key to some ancient
secret that’s connected with a once every 5000 years equinox
in which all of the planets in the universe line up. Well,
the equinox serves as the typical Hollywood script “ticking
clock” but we still need a villain. Meet a group of bad guys
stationed in Venice, Italy who call themselves “The Illuminati.”
This secret society of wealthy and powerful bad guys wants
the key because when it’s combined with two pieces of ancient
stone at the moment of the planetary line up, the possessor
is granted... I’m not kidding about this... “The Power of
God.” Well who wouldn’t want the “Power of God?” The world
would be doomed for sure if the bad guys had it.
Clumsy direction from Simon West takes us on a chase around
the globe while Lara and the Illuminati play keep-away with
the key and the stones. There’s even a fight scene with giant
statues that come to life. The statue battle had potential
to be cool, but it looks like the CGI effects budget ran short
on cash. Chances are they spent most of the money on breast
enhancing halter-tops for Angelina. Good thinking on the producer’s
part for that. Whenever your “give me a break” meter goes
off from another senseless plot twist or bad line, the movie
follows up with a sweet, gratuitous shot of Angelina’s huge
breasts.
Dubz: I can’t believe we actually saw that piece of
crap instead of going to Jumbo’s
Sunday night.
Dragon: I know. At least we saw it at the cheap theater.
That was a lot of Angelina Jolie’s boobs for $3.00!
Dubz: Yeah but Jumbos doesn’t have a cover. For $6.00
I could have had a drink and seen Lola’s boobs naked.
Dragon: Who would win in a boob fight, Angelina Jolie
or Lola from Jumbo’s?
Dubz: Sheer blasphemy, of course it would be Lola.
Besides, I noticed throughout the whole movie that Angelina’s
left boob hangs significantly lower than her right. Lola’s
have a perfect symmetry.
Dragon: Perhaps Lola has the “Power of God” hidden
inside them.
Dubz: Now you’re on to something. Lola’s boobs hold the
“Power of God.” It all makes sense now.
Dragon: Mmmmm... Lola. I’d like to “Womb-Raid Her!”
Lara Croft Rating: 2 out of 5 throwing stars (One for each
boob)
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This
week's movie review is on Kevin Smith's "Jay and Silent Bob
Strike Back," the fifth and final installment in Smith's "Jersey
Chronicles." If you haven't seen his previous movies, "Clerks"
"Mallrats" "Chasing Amy" and "Dogma" then Blockbuster should
revoke your privileges until each movie has been rented and
savored. That being said, it's not necessary that you see
Smith's first films, but it sure does help.
Jay and Silent Bob (Bob played by Smith himself and named
so because his lines are non-existent save a few poignant
words of wisdom at the end of each movie) began as two slackers/pot
dealers in training who loitered in front of the local quickie-mart
dealing and passing the time in Smith's first film, "Clerks."
By "Chasing Amy" they became comic book heroes in the form
of their alter egos "Bluntman & Chronic." Fast-forward to
"Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" and the boys find out that
Miramax is about to make a movie out of their character likeness
without their consent and more importantly without paying
them!
The flick becomes a road trip movie and the doobie duo set
out to hitchhike to Hollywood to shut down the "Bluntman &
Chronic" film. Along the way they encounter a group of Charlie's
Angels gone bad in the form of jewel thieves and Jay falls
head over heels for the soft-hearted one played by Shannon
Elizabeth, duh. Once in Hollywood, no punch is pulled as Kevin
Smith makes every jab he can at his own industry. Overflowed
with cameos, this movie has Mark Hammil, Carrie Fisher, Chris
Rock, George Carlin, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and many more.
Anyone who thought Jay and Silent Bob couldn't carry the lead
in their own movie can get in line to suck some balls.
Dragon: I'm saying it right now, one word, OSCAR! Jason
Mewes is the greatest actor since Robert Dinero.
Dubz: Yes, this film had everything I could want in
a movie: drug humor, gay jokes, Shannon Elizabeth, drug humor.
Dragon: You said drug humor twice.
Dubz: Did I? I forgot.
Dragon: What makes me sad is that this is probably
the last film we'll see from the drunk Ben Affleck. Now that
he's going through rehab, all of his forthcoming work will
probably suck.
Dubz: True. Just like when Aerosmith got off the needle.
Dragon: Damn Betty Ford to hell for not offering a
course to entertainment celebrities on how to use drugs and
alcohol in a recreational yet responsible manner. For if our
actors and musicians stop using drugs and alcohol, who pays
the price?
Dubz: Drug dealers and the liquor industry?
Dragon: No, Dubz, we the consumers pay the price in
the form of inferior entertainment. I weep for Hollywood.
Let Ben Affleck be a reminder to us all...
Jay and Silent Bob Rating: 6 out of 5 throwing
stars
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This weeks "Double D" movie review is "Rat Race," a late
summer release starring a bunch of C+ & B- actors no one
really cares about. John Cleese stars as an eccentric Las
Vegas casino owner who stages a race where six ordinary
dolts race to New Mexico for a two million dollar prize.
You will suffer 106 minutes of tedious, mid-level acting
in exchange for a heaping hand-full of very hearty laughs
and stunts. Bonus points for the Holocaust and child molestation
humor. Seth Green gets a good review simply because he was
in TWD's "American Pi."
Dragon: The opening premise was so hard for me to believe
that I found the rest of the movie distracting and difficult
to watch.
Dubz: The premise that a casino owner would stage such
a race?
Dragon: No, no. The premise that Whoopie Goldberg was
a mother. I mean, this insinuates that someone was willing
to have sex with her and I find that to be down right silly.
Dubz: Well don't you think that's a bit extreme?
Dragon: Would you be willing to have sex with her?
Dubz: Fuck no!
Dragon: Exactly my point. Would you do it for two
million dollars?
Dubz: Would I have to be sober?
Dragon: No, you could drink or smoke whatever you wanted.
Dubz: There may not be enough liquor, but for two
mil I'd give it a shot I guess. How long do I have to do
the gross deed?
Dragon: You have to do it to completion.
Dubz: Hers or mine?
Dragon: Yours of course... don't be disgusting.
Dubz: Could I masturbate a little before hand so
I could finish quicker?
Dragon: Sure.
Dubz: And it's two million cash?
Dragon: Yep.
Dubz: Bring it on!
Rat Race Rating: 3 out of 5 Throwing Stars
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Dubz:
This week's movie is Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes."
I found it to be a compelling "revisitation" of the original.
The Ape design by Ric Baker was amazing. The facial articulation
of the apes was amazingly realistic. The action was solid.
Dragon: I was disappointed that Marky Mark didn't
get it on with that good-looking ape chick. He should have
at least tried to get an ape-hummer from her.
Dubz: Maybe so, but at least the story kept the underlying
message about racism and animal rights firmly intact.
Dragon: I guess, but Marky Mark was living on a space
station for god knows how long. You know what military guys
are like on shore leave? They're walking sperminators. You
can't tell me he wouldn't have tried to do that hot cave
girl, the hot model chick with the lips… what's her name?
Dubz: I believe her name is Estella Warren.
Dragon: Whatever her name is, her lipstick was always
fresh and red, just the way I like it. I was impressed by
a cave chick that could flee from talking gorillas and still
manage to keep fresh lipstick. Where the fuck would a cave
girl get lipstick anyway? Why didn't the other cave chicks
take after her and try to look good?
Dubz: All very good questions, Dragon. All very good
questions.
Planet of the Apes Rating: 3½ out of 5
Throwing Stars
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